It’s official, I LOVE France. Absolutely love it. I’ve only been here for two weeks and I’ve already decided that I never want to go home. In my short time here, my expectations and hopes for my European adventure have already been surpassed. I came expecting to be uncomfortable and feel like the outsider for at least the first couple of months. And while this worried me a little bit (ok fine, it terrified me. I would have panic attacks if I saw a baguette at the grocery store and would literally lay in bed at night and cry at the thought of leaving my comfort zone), I still decided that the experiences that I would have, the people I would meet and the places I would get to see would make the feelings of being the “new kid at school” and not having any friends worth it. But my fears were completely in vain! From the moment I stepped off the plane, I have felt more welcome and wanted than I ever have before. And yes, I realize that I probably sound ridiculous and corny right now but it’s so true! I’ve been in France for 14 days and I can’t imagine ever leaving. Perhaps I’m still in the honeymoon phase and reality hasn’t set completely in yet, but for once in my life I’m going to see the glass as being half full instead of half empty. I’m going to be optimistic and say that even if reality hasn’t hit me yet, when it finally does things will only get better. I’m confident that this unpractical yet wonderful 7 month long vacation will change me for the better.
For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about and are wondering why I’ve put my life on hold for 7 months to come a live in a country I know next to nothing about, I’ll rewind a bit and explain. Eight months ago I was between a rock and a hard place. Due to budget cuts and the university having to restrict admissions of transfer students, I was denied acceptance from Sacramento State. Not only was this extremely humiliating because I got rejected by what I thought was a safety school, it was also the only school I applied to. So here I was, 20 years old with 3 semesters of college left to complete, but with no college to attend. I don’t handle rejection very well, especially when it comes to my education. Now I’m not a genius or anything like that but I am smart. I’ve always been good at school. It was easy for me and I got by without trying too hard. School was the one thing I had going for me. I’m not one who’s lucky enough to be able to get by on her looks alone, I don’t have any amazing talents and while I often say that I’d be content with just marrying a rich old man and living off of his successes, I’m too shallow to marry someone ugly and old (Although I’d make an exception for the old part if George Clooney came along and got down on one knee). So basically, I needed school. I needed to finish my degree and begin my career. It’s what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted. That rejection letter sent me into a minor emotional tailspin. What was I supposed to do with myself for a whole year until I could apply to more schools? Get a full time job? Yeah that would be great except for the fact that there aren’t any jobs to be had because of our lovely economic situation. And then there was the little problem of trying to explain to my extremely motivated and career driven parents that their daughter was rejected from an average school and like a moron, didn’t apply to any others. I had to come up with a solution and I had to do it quickly because good ol’ mom and dad weren’t going to believe that “Sac State just takes longer than other schools to send out acceptance letters” forever.
So one night as I sat in my room trying to control my feelings of failure and depression, I decided to take a long and hard look at my life and who I was as a person. And when I did this, I hated what I saw. I realized that I was working so hard to be the person that my parents wanted me to be that I wasn’t being who I wanted to be. I was trying so hard to please everyone else around me, (the people at church, my friends, my family, etc.) that my life wasn’t at all what I always told myself it would be. Yes, I was going to school and yes, that is something that I’ve always wanted and known that I needed but I wasn’t majoring in something I was passionate about. I was majoring in what my parents told me would always be stable and pay a lot. But as lovely as a big pay check and always having a job sounds, if it means that I have to work with little kids with speech impediments for the rest of my life well, no thank you. Quite frankly the only kids I ever want to have to deal with that have speech impediments, are my own kids and my cousin Quinn. I want to teach high school English! I want to work with inner city teenagers and help them to lean to love learning. And if that means that I won’t always have a job and won’t be driving a BMW, well so be it. And because of the fact that I wasn’t in love with what I was studying, my love of school and my desire to learn was gone. I was bored. My grades weren’t as good as they could be. I was just doing what I needed to to get by. I had become ok with being average. On top of the school situation, I was handling the rest of my life in the same half- assed manner. I had been struggling with my religious beliefs for quite some time but had continued to go through all the motions of going to church every Sunday and completing my callings because it’s what I was “supposed to do”. It’s what my parents expected and I always did what my parents expected. I had stopped putting an effort into my appearance. My closet full of nice clothes was left untouched and replaced by a daily uniform of a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and UGGS. Putting on a little bit of mascara and putting my hair into a ponytail was as good as it got. I wasn’t exercising and as a result had gained 10 lovely pounds (maybe that’s why I liked the sweatshirts so much?) and I spent more time in front of the TV living vicariously through the Kardashian sisters than being social with my own friends. Growing up I always wanted to see the world and have adventures. I wanted to see the way other cultures work and how other people live. My idea of experiencing new cultures had somehow become ordering Thai food for dinner. Somewhere along the road I had become extremely pessimistic and judgmental of others. I had lost all my sense of adventure and was living an extremely boring life. Everything had to have a purpose and be practical. I saw no reason to leave my comfort zone. I realize now that I was depressed and had been for quite some time but because I am a Bond, it’s in my genes to put on a happy front.
I was disgusted by who I was. I wasn’t proud of myself and I was devastated to discover that the person I used to be was nowhere to be found. So I decided right then and there that I was going to change. I was going to do something to bring back the old Brooke, the person that loved her life and wanted to make every day count. To make an already terribly long and I’m sure painfully boring story short, it suddenly dawned on me that being rejected from Sac State was just the wake-up call that I needed. It was forcing me to do something different and start a new chapter. And I figured that if I had to find something to do it might as well be something big. So I sent an e-mail to my friend Yassine who lives in France and asked if I could come stay with him for a while. He sent me a reply a few hours and later and the rest is history.
That brings us to the present. Like I said, I’m here and I am in love with everything that “here” has presented me with so far. I love life again. I love myself again. I love other people again.
Due to the fact that I am extremely long winded and I’m sure that if you actually made it this far you surely don’t want to continue reading, I’ll save the details about where I am living and all the things I have done so far for another day :)
Au revoir!
